It arrives today. A letter from the State Bar Office of Admissions. It’s marked CONFIDENTIAL.

Office of Admissions. CONFIDENTIAL. You know what this means, right?

They only now just figured out that I really didn’t pass the bar!! I’m gonna have to do the whole thing all over again! In theory, of course, cuz I’m definitely not doing that whole thing all over again.

In a sort of semi-rational (ok, totally irrational) panic, I rip open the letter.

It’s not what I thought it was.

It’s an invitation of sorts. An invitation to apply to be an apprentice. An apprentice grader. An apprentice grader of July 2006 bar exams.

Wow. This time last year I was FREAKING THE F OUT and now, I might be GRADING EXAMS.

I’m sure all you other Bay Area law-types got the same invite. As an apprentice, it’s just a couple of Saturdays, at least until we become full-fledged graders, making roughly $12 an hour to pretty much make or break (or have absolutely no effect upon – that would be me!) roughly 850 lives apiece.

The thought of me – ME – grading bar exams is insane. (Almost as insane as me – ME – ever working as a damn lawyer. But, I digress.)

Anyhoo, though this profession has so far given me NOTHING but stress, superfluous poundage around the hips and thigh area, an inferiority complex tempered nicely by a healthy sense of superiority, and several hundred dollars worth of bar dues a year, I’m still gonna do it. Or at least, I’m going to apply to be an apprentice grader. Who else is with me?

And wouldn’t it be irony of ironies to find out that, though I myself passed the exam, because I didn’t go to a Top 10 law school or have time to participate on law review, I was somehow unqualified to evaluate the same bar-passing merits in others. Hmmm…

I am please to report [Well, since you said 'please'... continuing] that the Law School pass rate rose 5 points on the February 2006 Bar Examination, an increase of 5 points. [Yeah, when the rate rises, it also increases. I learned that in Advanced Physics.] Coupled with last year’s increase, our pass rate has risen 13 points from totally pathetic to merely ridiculous. Those graduates who participated more than 50% of the time in our Early Bar Preparation program passed at 66% [Hey there Mr. Fast-and-Loose-with-the-numbers: The program is a year-long program. That means that, most likely, there were few first-time program-participating takers in Feb 2006 - because they're still in school. So I assume this 66% number must also include those who participated in last year's program - i.e. those who actually had a chance to participate in more than 50% of the program. So this numbers includes takers from last year and this year. So, you're saying that 66% of students who complete at least 50% of the program will pass within two attempts. Uh... doesn't that sorta mean the program stinks?]. All best. N [That sincere closing really warms the caukles of my heart.]

Of course, after the email they sent me last year, asking whether I failed the bar exam or just didn’t take it, I’ve come to expect this kind of stuff. I think a certain sender is going on my Junk list…

It’s about 50/50. About half my friends passed CalBar this time, about half didn’t. Some were first-time takers, others were retakers.

It’s hard to know what to say. Not all of them have come forward to tell me, I discovered a few names on the pass list when it went public today, noticed a few missing.

This recent round of the barzam just solidifies my feeling that the barzam is totally random, no rhyme or reason to it at all. Look at me – barely studied, barely awake, passed, how in the world did that happen? And there’s also no “fairness” or cosmic justice to the whole thing – I think GG put it best in her recent post.

All last year, I was internalizing feelings of failure, thinking I was a failure because I was convinced the bar exam had some sort of divine power to weed out the good lawyers from the bad, the worthy from the unworthy… oh how wrong I was.

I’m nervous too.

There are so many names I want to see on the pass list on Sunday, so many “I passed!” emails I want to see in my inbox. I remember these last few minutes before the release last November, and I don’t envy all of my friends sitting at computers hitting refresh every 30 seconds. In many ways, these last few minutes take just as much courage as those first few minutes on that Tuesday morning, many months ago.

I can’t say anything more profound right now than

GOOD LUCK!!

I’m thinking about you, and wishing you all the best.