It’s that time of year again – children are running and playing, birds are chirping, happy people are barbecuing and sipping mint juleps on their porches (or something) – and not a recent law school graduate is to be seen.
It’s barzam time.
It’s been three years – three years! – since I was there. Watching Kelly’s second journey to success has awakened so many of those old familiar feelings in me. I can’t believe I – we – all survived it.
You’ll survive it too.
* * *
Here’s where I was around this time last year, t-minus three days before the exam.
Posted By Eve-Marie on 23rd July 2005 @ 02:21 In Crunch! |
I realize there’s lots of stuff I still don’t know. I acknowledge that a mere 3 days before the exam, I can’t catch up on everything I didn’t do in the past, and everything I didn’t learn, and every attempt I made that was only made with half a heart.
I realize that I can’t do 2000 MBEs, I can’t do 100 essays. I can’t review my flashcards 100 more times. I can’t make up 1000 “My Very Educated Mother Served Us Nine Pizzas” mnemonics and expect them to stick on Tuesday morning.
I have to acknowledge where I’m at and where I can go.
I did learn all this stuff 4 years ago. I passed exams on all these subjects. The exams were arguably harder and more rigorously graded than these will be.
I may not know the name of every item in the CMR, but I could probably recognize it and make something up.
I can read up on MBEs, do a few more, try to figure out the patterns, as much as I can. But I will not do any more MBEs if it makes me feel bad about me. It’s time to take care of my Inner Champion, and I’m pretty sure Rocky’s coach didn’t send him into the ring saying, “Go in there with the knowledge that you’ve got a 70% chance of losing this fight!”
I will outline essays with a critical eye towards writing rule statements and doing full outlines. I will write out a few essays to make sure my timing is right.
I will read my outlines and flashcards. But I won’t get frustrated if I don’t memorize the language on my flashcards because that’s not what’s being tested. I just need the basic idea, and the basic idea is in there.
I will review PTs, and I will do another one. Right now, the PT is my insurmountable mountain of fear obstacle, and I need to prove to me that when it comes down to crunch time, I WILL pull through. I CAN make stuff up just as much as anyone else can. I can guess and do the best I can do.
The past 97 days were supposed to be in preparation for making me feel good about Tuesday. They didn’t. So now it’s come down to Thursday and Friday being my recharge days, and Saturday, Sunday, and Monday being my Nurture the Champion days. I’m not going to try to make myself a Law Machine anymore. Even if I wanted to do that, it’s too late now. At most, I could only be the Law Thingamabob.
So I’m going to be a Champion. I’m going to go in there feeling calm, feeling peaceful. And even if I’m not, I’m gonna fake it. Because the best thing I can do for myself right now is give it my all, have faith in my skills, and surrender it to the Universe, with utter trust that whatever will be, will be, and it’s the thing that’s supposed to happen.
I truly believe that every trial or tribulation is here for me as a learning experience, to make me more the person I’m called to be. As of right now, I don’t know why I’ve been given this test. I’m not sure if it’s to teach me humility, that I need to work a lot harder than I do now to achieve my goals. I’m not sure if it’s to teach me faith in myself, that I know more than I think I do and I can do anything if I put my mind to it. Or perhaps it’s something different about the timing of things in life, or the power of relationships, or who knows, I have no idea. All I can do right now is what I can do – try my best, have faith in the universe that the right thing will happen, and make the best strategic choices I can.